Capoeira and Chopsticks

Mestre Mao Branca, Contra Mestre Coreba and Contra Mestre Ze Com Fome

Before I had moved into my new place here in California, I had searched for a capoeira club to train with. Fortunately, my mestre knew of one here in the area.  I met up with Professor Maccarao of Capoeira Luanda (under Mestre Jelon) and he welcomed me to his school with open arms. That’s one of the things I love about capoeira, there is a family like atmosphere present in most academies. Professor Maccarao is an incredible teacher and cares about his students, and it is awesome training with him.

Some of Professor Maccarao’s classes are taught at a gym. Everyday before class I go lift weights and then walk to the men’s locker room to change into my abadas and cord. There are always other men in various stages of dressing or undressing. Yesterday while changing into my abadas and shirt someone behind me said, “you do that Brazilian capoeira stuff huh.” Spinning around on the bench I was sitting on, to acknowledge the man speaking to me, I was confronted with a sight that still haunts me as I write this.

There stood a wrinkled man of perhaps sixty completely naked and standing with his genitalia no more than foot away from me. I tried to look up at his face like guys are taught to do in these type of situations, but my attention was drawn to what must have been some type of piercing hanging from his junk. It was no regular piercing. The barbell ring was the size of a chopstick and gold. I was speechless muttering words to the effect of…how and why.  Needless to say I quickly dressed and ran for the exit of the locker room.  As the locker room door was closing behind I looked over my shoulder to make sure I wasn’t being followed and there he stood grinning. I arrived in class moments later placing my back to the wall, holding my knees to my chest and rocking.

Superbuff-The holidays are upon us. Do not feel guilty about eating and drinking. Find time before and after your meals to go for a walk or a run to counter the fattening foods you will all be eating.

-Sir I got your note on my locker. I will not be calling to have dinner with you and your wife. Thanks to you I will now have to use another location to dress for capoeira class and I will never be able to use chop sticks to eat my beloved Chinese food again.

Go West Young Man

Professor Macarrao of Capoeira Luanda and some of his students.

 

Yes we are still here and yes we are still pushing our bodies to the limits!!!! Thanks for all the emails, but rest assure we are still alive and kicking and no, Coral did not run off to Italy with any of the cast from the Twilight movie series. She is still plucking away at her fourth Graduate degree at a well known West coast university.

I instantly knew I had crossed the border into California. The weather was warm and the atmosphere was relaxed. I sat in my car still traumatized from my journeys in New England. I already missed the horn honking, the profanity laced tirades of motorists and more than that I missed the cynicism which had become an important part of my existence for the last 3 years. I guess I will have to learn to live without all of that for now.

Things I have seen since I got here:

-Cars stop for pedestrians and do not curse them out for walking too slowly

-A kid assisting a woman with groceries across the street

-People sitting at cafes at 1 a.m. having conversation that did not have to do with the Red Sox

-Drivers using signals before changing lanes

-Hippies (yes they still exist and are now my neighbors)

-Organic food markets every block

-2 girls holding a 5 foot long plastic pickle while wearing pajamas.

Superbuff-I miss my group in Framingham, Massachusetts workout – run 3-5 miles stopping every mile to wipe away tears from your eyes.

Thank you Mestre Ze Com Fome for giving me this gift called capoeira.

Things Every Capoeirista Should Know

havaianas courtesy rockstarassi on flickr

Knowing the history of capoeira is important for every capoeirista.  Many groups include questions like “what was Mestre Bimba’s real name” or “what instruments were in Mestre Patinha’s bateria” as part of their batizado tests.  However, some groups like ours go above and beyond this basic level of knowledge, asking questions which may stump the average capoeirista, so here is a guide to answering the tougher and lesser known questions about capoeira’s history.

What was Mestre Bimba’s mother’s name– Maria.  Mumble something after that to make it sound like you know the full name.

How many Bimba sequences are there– Nine.  Bimba also invented “the worm”, the dance move also known as the legendary “lost Bimba sequence”.

What was Mestre Pastinha’s shoe size– This is a trick question.  Havaianas are one size fits all.

If Mestre Bimba had been in Only the Strong, would Donovan still have died– Not unless they added another bad guy and the other bad guy was Chuck Norris.

If Mestre Pastinha was playing Tekken, would he play as Eddy Gordo and if so what would his best combo be– Mestre Pastinha would probably prefer Nina Williams for her speed, agility, and yellow costume.

Did Mestre Bimba ever bail on a workout because he was watching reruns of Mary Tyler Moore– No.  It wasn’t in syndication yet.

When Animals Attack

On Sunday afternoon, I was minding my own business, jogging on some back roads near my house, enjoying the New England fall weather, when out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a large furry creature bolting in my direction, like a hellacious, canine bullet.  I am no animal expert, but something told me that this animal did not want to play frisbee.

Let me interrupt to say that I love animals.  Really.  I do.  I want to pick them up and squeeze them until their eyes bulge from their sockets.  I don’t actually do this.

But I also love having all my limbs intact.  There was no way I was going to be able to outrun this monstrous, salivating beast.  It was clearly determined to turn my shins into doggy chow.  So I turned to face the creature.

At that moment, several things happened.  I yelled “GO HOME!!!” at my pursuer.  Just as I did, a cyclist went by, distracting the beast, which abandoned its pursuit of me and took off after him.  And then, from several houses away, I heard it: a thin voice that could only belong to the creature’s owner: “Ginger!  Ginger!  Ginger, come back!” yelled the voice as the creature continued blithely down the street after the cyclist.

And that is how I narrowly escaped death at the paws of Ginger the border collie.

Dear pet owners, if you are not going to train your dog to stay in your yard, or to respond when it is called, at least give it a name that sounds kind of scary!  It is way embarrassing to be chased by a border collie named Ginger!  At least name it Spike or Fang or Wolf!

Superbuff Interval sprints are good for you.  You can do them even without the assistance of neighborhood animals.

There Are Times To Say No In Life

 

I am sorry you lost your job…but NO you cannot borrow my car for the next few months. That’s not borrowing that is taking ownership.

I understand your last boyfriend was not adventurous…but NO you cannot video tape me dressed up like Frodo from Lord of the Rings and I am sure baseball bats weren’t made for that!

You were running late for work and forgot your toothbrush…NO you cannot even look at the extra one I keep in my desk.

I am sure you are only doing your job spam email person…but NO I do not want to make anything bigger on my body nor do I want to make anything smaller.

Hello weird guy at the gas station. You don’t have any money and really need a ride to your mom’s house 30 miles away. I am sorry you are in that bad predicament…but NO I will not give you a ride nor will I allow you to put your garbage bag which is leaking in my trunk. In the future, maybe you should hide that knife you had in your back pocket a little better.

I am sure guys stand in line to buy you drinks…but NO bar girl I do not want to buy you a drink nor do I want to hear how you can tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue.

 

Superbuff-Just say Yes to fitness and NO to…………………well at least say no to the stuff listed up above.

 

* Cherry stem girl, I might have been a little hasty. I have a bottle of Tequila and a jar of cherries…busy later?

How to Recognize a Bad Relationship

Soldado and I were talking today about what makes a great workout buddy.  Everyone should have a workout buddy, but this is more than just someone you train with.  It is an important relationship and there are several qualities you should consider in making your selection.  Don’t let your initial excitement cloud your judgement.  We have all been burned by bad relationships that appeared to be good.  Here are some of the things people often look for in a workout buddy:

• availability–your workout buddy should never be more than a phone call away.  you should be able to call them up when you’re thinking about skipping class, or after you’ve had a great class.  ideally you will be able to be physically in the same place at least twice a week.
• dedication–rain and snow should not keep you from getting together.  neither should late nights out.  in a really great partnership, these things should motivate you to get together.
• reliability–no-shows and cancellations are no good.  this is a sign that your workout buddy is just not that into it.  in a good relationship you can count on the other party to stick with plans you’ve made.
• punctuality–no one likes to be ready for something, and then have to wait… and wait.  make sure your workout buddy is going to show up on time and not arrive late, and cold, needing a warmup before you can do anything.

However, this list has a serious flaw!  There is one additional quality that is essential for this type of relationship:

• low-calorie–up until now, everything on this list could describe general gao’s chicken.

GENERAL GAO IS NOT YOUR WORKOUT BUDDY.  while it’s true that he is always just a phone call away, will come to your house rain or shine, never cancels on you, and is rarely late, don’t let him develop a serious relationship with you.  tell him you can’t handle such a heavy committment, and find a workout buddy that won’t sabotage your hard work

Superbuff– it is really important to eat right in addition to working out, otherwise you will never see the benefits of your work.

***If General Gao is really persistent, tell him you recently got out of a relationship with Aunt Jemima and are still getting over it

Race Relations, Bourbon and Capoeira

 

The date had been planned for weeks. A friend of a friend decided I was perfect for their cousin. Having been absent from the dating scene for a while, I figured I would give the matchmaking ritual a chance.   I performed all the required pre checks one does before these types of dates. I looked at all available photos of her, asked others about her personality and made sure her name did not appear on any police reports or Most Wanted lists.

The day arrived and we met at a local restaurant. I was upbeat and planned on having a nice dinner and good conversation. I had no real expectations for finding true love or anything else for that matter.  We were seated and began looking over the menu. I was impressed with her choice of an entree’. She did not order a salad, she ordered a steak. Our conversation flowed easily and it was then that something began registering to me. She had downed several glasses of bourbon on ice. There were no girlie umbrellas or fruit flavoring added to these drinks. They were straight glasses of bourbon. Before our appetizer had been served she was unable to keep from swaying in her chair. She smiled and I smiled back as a drop of drool fell to the table from the corner of her mouth.

I half jokingly told her to slow down or she might get a DUI from the waitress serving our dinner. She laughed at my joke and took one last long drink from her glass while stating, “Do you like me?” I smiled at her and said that I would need to get to know her first, but I was impressed with her drinking abilities. The appetizer was served and then dinner. On a restroom break between dinner and dessert I phoned my friend and told him she needed to go to detox as she obviously had a drinking problem. As I turned around from after ending the call, my intoxicated date was standing there and loudly exclaimed, “you don’t like me because I am white!” What happened next shocked myself and other restaurant patrons within ear shot of our location.

This attractive woman who had asked me earlier if I liked her, projectile vomited the contents of stomach onto me, the walls, my cell phone, and everything else in a 1 mile radius. Speechless I stood there with bile falling from my clothing. Restaurant workers responded to this distress with towels, napkins and mops. Someone apparently called 911 because I could hear the faint sounds of sirens going off in the distance. From that day to this, I never spoke to her again, even after several attempted apologies from her and her friends.

 

Inbox-“I thought only black people practiced capoeira.” 

Sent- “You are an idiot sir…..”

 

Superbuff-Do not consume any type of alcohol several hours before rigorous physical activity. That is fitness related activities were you are working out.  Well fitness related activities were other people will be around you.  Hmm…how about fitness activities were you don’t want to vomit on someone unless that is your thing of course and I will not judge anyone who likes things like that. Well I will try really hard not too-

Flavors of capoeira

When I was a kid, summer always meant two things: playing outside all day, and story time at the library at night.  Once a week my mom would take my brother and me to the library to hear stories.  On the way home, we’d stop and get ice cream at Baskin-Robbins.  I was always perplexed by all the different flavors available.  Sometimes I would try out samples: rocky road, cookies n cream, bubble gum, rainbow sherbet.  In the end, I always stuck with my favorite, mint chocolate chip.

Capoeira is a lot like ice cream: it affects your hips and it comes in many flavors.  Some capoeira is like rainbow sherbet or cotton candy.  Some is like rocky road.  Some is even like cookie dough.  Find the capoeira that’s going to be your mint chocolate chip.

Superbuff buddy, I’ll be home soon, let’s get ice cream!

PS: What is up with “cake flavored” ice cream?  Does anyone else think this would be like eating a hamburger-flavored bun instead of the hamburger itself?

Bathe In Capoeira

The Midwest is a scary place to visit or live when you are 9 years old. During the the spring and the summer tornado sirens wail throughout the day and night. You never get accustomed to them. For anyone who has never experienced a tornado, they make you feel like the world is ending. The sky turns shades of blue, purple and black. Everything goes silent except for the warning sirens and no one is outside. Just before one touches down on the ground, the air gets frigid and then it hits. It sounds like a large explosion is occurring. My mom always did the same thing when the warning was sounded. She took my sister and I to the bathroom and placed us in the bathtub. The tub wasn’t a synthetic tub, but an old fashioned cast iron one. When the sirens stopped she took us out the tub and we would continue playing. That tub was a safe place. When pets died and elder members of our families passed away, I would always go to that tub and sit in it. That tub kept me safe from sadness and pain for many years.

My buddies and I were recently remembering a friend of ours who had been killed in the war. We drank and laughed at our individual memories of this good man. He had a family that loved him very much and I know they miss him. Later that night after I returned to my apartment I found myself sitting in the bathtub.

Every time I enter our capoeira academy, and I hear the rhythm of capoeira music being played, I feel that same security I always felt in the bathtub when I was younger. I cannot carry a bathtub with me everywhere I go, but capoeira is always there waiting on the tornadoes, the  passing of a friend or just a bad day.

Bathe in Capoeira-

Superbuff workout tip- Working out while listening music can help keep you motivated during long or difficult workout sessions.

Was That An Earthquake Or Did You Just Rock My World

Yesterday as I sat on my couch, with a 5.0 earthquake shaking my building, I came to a realization: I would die in a real earthquake.

Why?  Because there is no warning for an earthquake.  You don’t have days of weather radars showing them moving toward your city, like with hurricanes.  You don’t have alerts or watches, like with tornados.  You don’t have visible signs, like with riptides.  You don’t have All Points Bulletins, like with escaped convicts.

This is a problem for me because apparently I have no fight or flight response.  I have a wait and see response, otherwise known as the freeze.

This is not all bad.  The freeze is very useful in some situations (freeze tag).

But it is bad in most situations:

• Earthquakes (you are supposed to get off the couch apparently)
• Awkward end-of-date kiss attempts (be ready with pre-emptive handshake)
• Awkward ex-bf sightings at parties (cocorinho!)
• Playing shortstop (who knew 6 year olds could hit line drives)
• Skiing (turns out if you look at the tree, you go towards it)
• Cute mystery guy at gym (say something next time!)
• Dodgeball (enough said)
• Capoeira

There is no excuse for freezing up in capoeira.  It is not like an earthquake.  You don’t know when an earthquake is going to happen.  You do know when a roda is going to happen.  We forecast one every weeknight at our school. By 8pm, I’m on the alert, and around 8:15 our mestre issues an APB via berimbau.

Superbuff: Learn to recognize the telltale signs of a roda forming.  When you see one, be prepared, and act fast!

Awkward end-of-date kiss guy: I am sorry I turned my head unexpectedly, I hope you did not mind licking my hat.