Bathe In Capoeira

The Midwest is a scary place to visit or live when you are 9 years old. During the the spring and the summer tornado sirens wail throughout the day and night. You never get accustomed to them. For anyone who has never experienced a tornado, they make you feel like the world is ending. The sky turns shades of blue, purple and black. Everything goes silent except for the warning sirens and no one is outside. Just before one touches down on the ground, the air gets frigid and then it hits. It sounds like a large explosion is occurring. My mom always did the same thing when the warning was sounded. She took my sister and I to the bathroom and placed us in the bathtub. The tub wasn’t a synthetic tub, but an old fashioned cast iron one. When the sirens stopped she took us out the tub and we would continue playing. That tub was a safe place. When pets died and elder members of our families passed away, I would always go to that tub and sit in it. That tub kept me safe from sadness and pain for many years.

My buddies and I were recently remembering a friend of ours who had been killed in the war. We drank and laughed at our individual memories of this good man. He had a family that loved him very much and I know they miss him. Later that night after I returned to my apartment I found myself sitting in the bathtub.

Every time I enter our capoeira academy, and I hear the rhythm of capoeira music being played, I feel that same security I always felt in the bathtub when I was younger. I cannot carry a bathtub with me everywhere I go, but capoeira is always there waiting on the tornadoes, the  passing of a friend or just a bad day.

Bathe in Capoeira-

Superbuff workout tip- Working out while listening music can help keep you motivated during long or difficult workout sessions.

Was That An Earthquake Or Did You Just Rock My World

Yesterday as I sat on my couch, with a 5.0 earthquake shaking my building, I came to a realization: I would die in a real earthquake.

Why?  Because there is no warning for an earthquake.  You don’t have days of weather radars showing them moving toward your city, like with hurricanes.  You don’t have alerts or watches, like with tornados.  You don’t have visible signs, like with riptides.  You don’t have All Points Bulletins, like with escaped convicts.

This is a problem for me because apparently I have no fight or flight response.  I have a wait and see response, otherwise known as the freeze.

This is not all bad.  The freeze is very useful in some situations (freeze tag).

But it is bad in most situations:

• Earthquakes (you are supposed to get off the couch apparently)
• Awkward end-of-date kiss attempts (be ready with pre-emptive handshake)
• Awkward ex-bf sightings at parties (cocorinho!)
• Playing shortstop (who knew 6 year olds could hit line drives)
• Skiing (turns out if you look at the tree, you go towards it)
• Cute mystery guy at gym (say something next time!)
• Dodgeball (enough said)
• Capoeira

There is no excuse for freezing up in capoeira.  It is not like an earthquake.  You don’t know when an earthquake is going to happen.  You do know when a roda is going to happen.  We forecast one every weeknight at our school. By 8pm, I’m on the alert, and around 8:15 our mestre issues an APB via berimbau.

Superbuff: Learn to recognize the telltale signs of a roda forming.  When you see one, be prepared, and act fast!

Awkward end-of-date kiss guy: I am sorry I turned my head unexpectedly, I hope you did not mind licking my hat.

Fun In The Sun Without Hair

This is a re post from June of last year. It was important then and still Important now!!!!!!

One could not have asked for a better day yesterday. The temperature was around 78 degrees with blue skies and tons of sun. A local community fair was the stage for what would be the first of many capoeira performances conducted this year. Although this blog is recent, the “Superbuff” team has actually been in training since the end of last year. Training ideas and routines were completed hundreds of miles apart, often using text messages to track training and progress. The time came 20 minutes into the performance were the Mestre (head guy) takes off his shirt. On que the rest of the men in the performance removed their shirts. I was happy. It was hot and let’s admit it, a bunch of half naked people jumping and kicking is sure to draw a crowd. Then I saw it. An established friend of the group popped off his shirt and there it was. A shag rug blowing lazily in the wind, attached to his chest. Droplets of sweat hung to the ends of his flowing wavy chest locks. The beads of sweat dropped from their perches and hit the searing pavement, sending up plumes of steam. This brings me to a saying of an ex girlfriend: “A diamond hidden behind bushes is still a diamond but no one can see it.”

Superbuff people, show off your diamonds! You’re working hard to be Superbuff; don’t hide the results! Cut the hair and save the rest of society from the gagging that is sure to follow after your vines come off during play in the roda. Surely flossing was meant to be done with the wax covered filament that is sold in the neighborhood drug store.

Superbuff is officially stating “cut and trim.”

Watch Out!!!!

 

 

I read this 20 times a day and it's still not enough

 

I am centered..my mind and body are one…my soul is at peace with the universe.

I want to believe this stuff, but it is almost impossible on days like today. The only thing I have to look forward too is capoeira class, but in order to get to it I have to face the brilliant people I work with. These are the people that fear logic, leave their work on my desk and constantly make excuses for not doing their job. I want to believe people are generally good, but these people are starting to make me re think that position. My day has included interactions with-

• Diseased colon guy that never flushes the toilet and leaves the most horrendous smelling logs afloat in them. (FLUSH!)
• Republican guy that insists our last president was a genius  (Please do not have kids)
• Old man and woman who forget where they put things and blame it on me and technology. (Retire already)
• Divorced lady who hates all men and refuses to even acknowledge men exist. (There is a divorced guy upstairs that thinks you are pretty)
• Executive level guy that smells like sardines all the time even though he says he never eats fish (Do you own cats?)
• Mid life crisis guy that pops the  collar on his shirts and is always calling everyone cutie (Dye your eyebrows too not just your hair)
• Bald white guy with the hair piece that looks like an afro (File a lawsuit against Hairclub for Men)
• Mom with 500 pictures of her kid stuck to every free piece of wall in our office ( Your kid looks like Mickey Rourke after plastic surgery.)
• The big guy that eats pizza  for breakfast, lunch and dinner and says he has a thyroid condition (The medical condition is called extra cheese.)
• 2nd amendment guy that always talks about his guns and tells me I am his friend and not to worry if he flips out one day.  (Medication can help.)
• Booger guy that always has a finger in his nose. (Stop picking your nose it’ll start bleeding)
• 5 boyfriend girl that is constantly receiving flowers, teddy bears, and candy from different guys every other day (How do you do it and why?)
• Obnoxious guy that believes everyone at work, works for him (Tell your wife to stop asking me if I like massages when she calls.)

The day will eventually end, and I know Iwill once again be back tomorrow.  The only thing that brings me comfort are the mental images of me doing rasterias on these people. Watch out people the only thing that was stopping me from making this  dream a reality was the sign shown above, which I have been told I have to take off the wall.

5 boyfriend girl-The raspberry flavored gum was from me…. coffee later?

Get Naked And Prepare To Be Baptized

Inbox- ….I have been reading a lot about the baptism in capoeira. Some of the stuff they talk about reminds me of my pledge days with my fraternity…do I have to do anything special to get baptized?

Sent-Fortunately for you we just modified our batizado practices for new capoeristas. You will no longer be required to mate with a goat nor swallow live gold fish. However, it is still mandatory that you run around the block several times, naked,  screaming “Bimba.”

Seriously, there is a lot of ritual associated with batizados, but none of them are harmful or embarrassing.  Different groups have different ways of baptizing new students. Generally speaking, batizados are relatively tame and are merely an opportunity to greet a new student to a group. They are lots of fun and you get to interact with a lot of senior capoeristas from other groups.

Pastry Immigration

Let this be a lesson to future baked goods.

This morning after capoeira, I went to the grocery store to buy some ginger.  I’ve had a sore throat and a cough for a few days (no Soldado it is not swine flu) and my mestre recommended drinking tea made by boiling ginger root.

I went to the grocery store, headed to the produce section, found a suitable chunk of ginger, and put it in my basket.  Then a strange thing happened.  I walked straight from the produce section to the checkout but somehow when I arrived at the checkout, there was also a chocolate cupcake in my basket.  It had obviously jumped in there when I wasn’t looking, thinking that it could smuggle itself out of the store that way.

I knew what had to be done.  Some people might think it is harsh, but sometimes justice requires a stern will.  The cupcake had to be punished for its attempt to flout the law and stow away in my bag, so I ate it, to set an example for the other cupcakes.

Baked goods: please stop jumping into my groceries when I am not looking. Why can’t you be more like the vegetables?  They always stay on their shelves!

Kiss The Melon

Contra Mestre Careba of Capoeira Gerais, friends and students.

Two days until my first school dance. I had already begged my mom for new shoes and a matching shirt to go with them. All of my friends were going to meet at my house before the dance to splash on some of my dad’s favorite cologne. The girls at the dance wouldn’t stand a chance against my dad’s cologne. It was a limited edition Old Spice that was sold at the corner pharmacy. All the planning was done and then my friend Juan dropped a bomb on all of us. Juan asked, “what if they try to kiss us?” We all looked at each other and though we lied about it daily in the school yard, we all knew the truth; none of us had ever kissed a girl. I am not sure if it was Tony or Michael who said it first, but one of them stated their big brother practiced on a piece of fruit and it made him a great kisser. Not wanting to let the girls down we pooled our money and after school bought a green melon.  There we sat on a bench in the park making out with that melon. People walked by and stared, but we didn’t mind, we couldn’t let all those girls down. That dance came and went. We never did get a kiss at that dance and Juan the one that gave us all that “great” idea, found out he was allergic to honey dew melons. 

My friend who introduced me to capoeira gave me a used berimbau many years ago. It is always there for me to practice on when I need too. The problem is there are other instruments that are used in capoeira. Sure, a pandeiro (tamborine) isn’t that expensive, but an atabaque is really hard to find at a reasonable price. Then I saw it, my mestre was using old plastic paint containers as practice instruments for the children’s class. These containers when held between the legs act as a nice surface to practice rhythms with your hands. With a little imagination smaller and varied shaped containers can even act as a pandeiros. Once again I am “kissing the melon”; only this time they are empty plastic containers.

Superbuff  - You do not need a expensive gym or equipment to get a great total body workout. Running and walking are two of the best and free ways to burn calories. Instead of weights, look towards household items like cans and vacuum cleaners to add resistance to your squats and lunges. The good old push is a great upper body conditioner and is also free of charge. Want to work your abs,  just find a melon  or another similar object and perform crunches while holding it to your chest.

 

-Juan I am sorry for hitting your back so hard, I thought you were choking on a gumball. I didn’t know your throat was swelling shut from the melon bro.

I Am Breaking Up With You

I know this isn’t the best way to break up with you, but I really don’t want to get into a long drawn out argument about this. You are so sweet it breaks my heart even typing this right now.  We met a long time ago, I think 10 or 12 years ago to be exact. We have spent holidays and birthdays together and its going to be hard not to see you again.You are perfect in every way.  The problem in the relationship is mine not yours. 

I know you are going to say I am too jealous and possessive, but the only time I got into an argument over you was when I saw my room mate touching you inappropriately that night. Who wouldn’t be upset to see someone else handling  their possession like that. No, you are not a possession, but you do belong to me. I have never cheated on you.  Sure, occasionally I looked at others at the grocery store, but guys are like that. We do not mean anything by it, it’s just our nature. You taught me things about my body that I never knew. You helped me grow in so many ways I can’t even begin to list them.

Please this is hard for both of us. Do not call my name if you see me at the store. Every time this happens I take you back, but this time I mean it- I AM DONE!!!

I have to be honest, there is someone else. Do you remember finding that banana peel in the trash? It wasn’t the first time. It has happened several times over the last couple of weeks. I really believe I am truly in love this time. Goodbye and good luck. I am sure you will find someone else.

Superbuff – No amount of working out will help you get ripped abs if you eat a lot of processed foods. Try avoiding unhealthy and excessive amounts of carbohydrates and focus on eating healthy unprocessed foods and tons of vegetables. Drink water!!

 

Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about the threesome we did with the cookies and apple pie.

Please Spank Me

Class picture after one of Instructor Tarzan's classes

There was a time when corporal punishment was as much a part of the educational system as math or social studies. Teachers from my youth used it to motivate, wake up, and discipline students under their charge.  It was not unusual for a teacher to dole out a couple of preventive maintenance whacks to an unsuspecting student, just to to remind the others not to cause  problems during class.  The teachers and principals always had cool names for the paddles they used to hit students with. Some of my favorites were:

Board of Education ( This was our Principal’s paddle. It was a recycled pizza board, and when he hit you with it, you could still smell pepperoni.)

The Silencer (The teacher who used this paddle talked about his time in Vietnam as a soldier.)

Hand of God (During my youth we could still use religious terminology in the classrooms, and this teacher would say the lord’s prayer while striking you.)

The Teacher’s Little Helper (This was Mrs. Davis’s favorite paddle. It had a bronze handle.)

Hearing Aid (This one was the size of a ping pong table and the teacher loved asking kids who were asleep if they heard what she just said.)

Then there was Mrs. Hart’s paddle. Her paddle was her hand. She was sweet lady who I am sure had been a beauty queen during her high school years. I sat at my desk many times, daydreaming of marrying her and getting straight A’s in English for the rest of my life. Sure there would be an age difference, but I was sure we could overcome it, just as long as she made Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes for me everyday.  Young boys often created trouble just to get hit by her. She never really put any force behind the hits, and she would start apologizing as soon as she disciplined us. 

So I sit here today, trying to finish another spreadsheet for one of the 5′000 projects that has been dumped in my lap by one of 15 different bosses. I cannot focus. I am not motivated and I am on a strict time line. I need help!!!!!

-Mrs. Hart please call me, I will be bent over my desk waiting for you.

Superbuff Board of Education workout-Complete 1o push ups, 10 mountain climbers, 10 crunches, 1o stationary lunges, 10 squats, and 10 chair dips. Repeat this circuit 5 times with 2 minutes break in between each set.

Weightlifting without a Y Chromosome

There are many kinds of people who frequent the gym, but most of them fall into a few well-known categories.  There are the grunting free-weight guys, the Cosmo-reading-on-the-elliptical girls, the dude-you-got-this spotting teams.  I belong to the species of girls who bench press, and based on the reactions I get while doing this, we must be a rare group.

Today I arrived at the gym a little before 9, to get in a quick workout before moving on with my day.  I like to start my workout with the bench press.  I like it because it works a lot of muscles, so that after that everything is a bit fatigued burning with the fire of a thousand suns (just realized Soldado will be reading this) and I can move on to more targeted exercises.

The gym looked the way it usually does at 9 on a Saturday morning: one or two dedicated girls running on the treadmills, and a handful of retirees walking on treadmills or gingerly going through the motions on the circuit training machines.

I walked over to the bench press and began adding my usual weights.  I only add 7.5 or 10 pounds to each side, so it’s nothing terribly outrageous-looking.  Or even impressive-looking.  Frankly, the bar looks kind of ridiculous with such puny weights on it.

I had just finished doing this when a man who had to be at least 70 approached me.  In a thick German accent, he said “Let me know if ze bar is too much, and I will help you with it”.

I looked at this frail, thin, elderly man with white hair.  Beyond the fact that I, shockingly, know what I’m doing with the bench press and don’t need help, this guy would have been about as useful as a cocktail umbrella in a rainstorm.

Thanks Grandpa, but me and my vagina will manage the bench press just fine!